So it seems that several of my friends think that what I need is to get fucked.
But what I can’t get them to understand is that I already had that.
It has left me empty, self conscious, vulnerable and questioning everything I once knew.
That last thing I want now is another stranger entering me only to take another part of me away.
I have cried everyday for 8 months. Everywhere. At any given time
Some days more than others. But everyday none the less.
Walking down the aisle at the grocery store is always a minefield.
He was my family. He was my home. He was my safe place.
He took everything away.
And never looked back. Never looked back.
He left me drifting. Lost and alone on my sea of tears.
I’ve gone to therapy, talked with counselors, chatted with a priest and called my friends at all hours of the night.
I’ve done yoga, gone paddle boarding, power walked and eaten entire bags of peanut MnM’s, multiple times.
I’ve meditated, gotten massages and have been hypnotized.
I’ve taken sleeping, anxiety and happy pills.
I’ve read books on divorce, lost love, self help, survival stories and grief.
I’ve watched hours of movies, TV shows and online mind mushing crap.
I’ve cleaned, reorganized, and purged the refrigerator, my closet and the bathroom.
I’m screamed into pillows, sang sad love songs and danced till I couldn’t breath.
I’ve blogged.
He’s gone out on dates with multiple women.
Then today, I wanted to cry but no tears came.
I felt like I was going to cry… the emotion was there like a blanket all around me..but my eyes remained dry.
Was it possible I was all cried out?
A few hours later, cleaning off my desk, at the bottom of a stack of papers I had set aside a year ago, I came across a random photo of him.
And…. then they reappeared.
Hello old friends.
I thought you too had abandoned me.
Two weeks and one day after the divorce he found someone online and started dating.
Two weeks and one day?
He said he was lonely.
I couldn’t breath.
Everything started to spiral out of control again.
Then the truth came out.
It wasn’t work that you hated.
It was me.
You had been mad at me for 6 out of the 7 years we were married.
You gave your reasons for being so enraged with me. I just sat there with my mouth open.
What do you mean that 6 out of 7 years you harbored ill feelings towards me?
Starting out small and letting it fester to the point that anger dominated all emotions you had for me.
But never telling me. Letting me believe it was all work related.
You knew 6 years ago that you wanted out?
And yet you stayed, waiting for what?
Laying next to me each night holding my hand.
Watching me spin in circles trying to make you happy. So we could be happy.
Sacrificing my own happiness for yours.
Believing you when you said it wasn’t me.
I had no reason to doubt you. And even when I questioned it you assured me I was incorrect.
And now you tell me you single-handedly sabotaged our relationship?
That you purposely didn’t tell me what was going on because you didn’t want me to fix it?
Is that why you didn’t want to try, because you knew all along you were going to divorce me?
So all of it was a lie?
How am I suppose to swallow that?
You have already taken away so much from me and now you’ve taken my memories too?
It is so hard to believe that love don’t live here anymore…
and apparently hasn’t for a very long time.
When The Vows Break 