Live With It

18 Oct

Today would have been 9 years… if we had stayed married.
If we hadn’t already been divorced for two years.

This is still my heart break, not yours.

I understand now that pain either goes away
or you learn to live with it.

And so…

I’ve shifted my focus to new possibilities rather than wishing for a different past.

Because you can’t go back.

I have to know you to forgive you.
But you are a stranger to me.

Until we spend more than five minutes together. 13 years does that I guess.

I don’t want you to be the one,
yet you have always been.

Why else would I have married you?

And so…

I live with it.

Today’s the day you’ll call me…..

12 Aug

Today’s the day you’ll call me

and tell me you’ve come to your senses.

 

You don’t know what you were thinking.

You can’t live another moment without me.

 

All the time you spent avoiding me, you realize now,

was wasted time.

 

Or, at the very least, time you needed, to realize what you lost.

What you had taken for granted all along.

 

Today is the day you’ll call me

and tell me there is no other woman like me.

That dating all those “inbetweens” is what brought you to the point you are right now.

 

Back to me.

You’ll actually say “all roads lead back to you.”

 

Today is the day that you’ll call me

and say maybe we should try again.

Maybe there is something worth pursuing between us.

 

And I’ll feel…

sad.

 

It won’t even be worth it to say “I told you so”

 

Today’s the day you’ll call me

and I’ll realize you can still hurt me.

 

With this other kind of pain.

 

 

 

 

 

The Thing About A Lie

4 May

Telling a lie is like giving birth to a newborn.

You spend a lot of time thinking about it before it comes,

then planning for it’s arrival.

Wondering what the right way will be to go about delivering it,

What if something goes wrong?

When it arrives you are scared and over joyed.

You did it.

You created a perfect entity that is a part of you, but also has a life of it’s own.

Why did you ever stress so much?

That is the calm before the panic.

Prior to when you realize it is going home with you.

Slowly you begin to understand you are responsible for nurturing this being.

Because what was only a thought in your mind,

now actually exists

and

lives with you.

It  keeps you up at night. Worrying all the time.

You have to be careful about so many things.

You may come to realize you may have made a mistake

and you don’t want to keep it any more.

It is way more work than you thought it would be to maintain.

It just keeps growing.

You can’t just wish it away, or take it back.

If only you could take it back.

The thing about a lie… it’s yours forever.

Only the truth will set you free.

I’m Still Here

9 Mar
I’ve come to the understanding that your life really is 
about living through your worse fears.  
How you deal with them IS the whole point. 
The elusive meaning of life that everyone searches for.
 
I had great loves.  I’ve lost great loves.
I married.  I divorced.
I sang my soul. I lost my voice.
I’ve faced some of my worse fears full on, without my head in the sand,
And I’m still here.
 
Everything that has knocked me down has made me who I am. 
And I DO like who I am.
I am standing here today not because I avoided things, 
but because I refused to prolong the inevitable.
 
Because I am a warrior.  
 
And I know the only way to beat anything 
is to conquer it. 
To overcome your obstacle by physical, mental, or emotional force.  
Otherwise it will always own you.
 
I own me.
 
I know I have more lessons to learn.
I know I will love again, 
I will cry again,
I will laugh always 
and 
I will sing once more.

Time to say Goodbye

16 Feb

I know I have to say goodbye. 

But you know how hard goodbyes are for me.  

How I don’t understand not having anymore chances.

Death is the only thing that is suppose to be final.

 

 I loved the safety and comfort of knowing that you were always by my side.  

But that was an illusion.  

When I needed you the most you were already gone.

 

The sadness I feel weighs heavy on my heart.  

It’s weight is too much to bear.

 

I know that saying goodbye is not going to make that go away.

Time heels all wounds.  

But when you are going through something really hard,

it moves like molasses.  

It’s only when you are going through the good, that it passes by so quickly.

 

It’s time I have spent crying, hurting, cursing, wondering, struggling to make sense.

Then I’ll see something in a magazine I know you would like.  

And it all comes back to me. 

 

To know that someone was so significant to you, 

when you were so replaceable to them, 

is a hard pill to swallow. 

 

Do you know what it’s like to feel shattered?  Pieces all around you.  

Big ones, small ones, all of them once a part of a whole thing, but no longer.

 

No matter how hard you try, no matter how careful you are, 

you can’t make it what it was.  


Even if you could fix it, it would never be the same. 

And throwing it out doesn’t get rid of it, after all, 

everything that you throw out still exists… 

somewhere.

 

Throwing it out just means you don’t see it any more.


I can’t see you anymore.

 

I know the beauty of letting go.  

Lord knows I’ve done it enough times.  

The problem is doing it.

 

I know 

I have 

to say 

goodbye.

And now that I have, 

I wish I didn’t.

Phantom Limb

27 Dec

When we first talked about getting divorced I took my ring off.

It seemed like a lie to wear it.

I mean what was the point?

You had broken all the vows that were associated with it.

Did I really need a piece of paper to tell me the marriage was over?

 

Actions speak louder than words.

 

And when you held the paper still for me to sign,

because my hand was shaking in rhythm with my sobs,

I knew.

 

It physically hurt to take the ring off, the ache of missing it almost unbearable at times.

I loved having that symbol on my finger as a reminder to me.

As a notice to others.

 

Once removed,

I never realized how much I touched it with my thumb for comfort.

Or did I start to do that when it was gone?

Searching in vain for something no longer there.

Like scratching a phantom limb.

 

Just because something is removed from you doesn’t mean you’ll stop feeling it there.

 

When I couldn’t sleep at night, those first few months,

I would slip the ring back on my finger and off to sleep I would drift.

 

And when I’d wake

for a moment all would be o.k..

for a moment I would forget what you had done to us.

for a moment I was floating in ignorant bliss.

 

And then it would hit me that the ring didn’t look right on my finger.

And I would remember everything.

And I’d take the ring off and feel the emptiness again.

 

It took me a long time to put the ring away.

 

Even longer to go back to it.

 

I knew it would be opening Pandora’s box,

but I wanted to see it.

I wanted to put it on.

 

Problem is,

it still fits.

Definite maybe

19 Dec

Out of the blue you decided to tell me that you are debating dating me again.

 

Debating.  Meaning still undecided.  A definite maybe.

 

I listened to you with an open mind.

Trying to understand words that made no sense.

 

You think you may want to date me again, but still want to date other people as well.

But you don’t want to have sex with any of us.

 

Well, you do, but you aren’t going to.

Because you are looking for a serious relationship now.

 

And those other girls… the ones at the beginning that you were just having sex with… they were what you needed at the time.  But after awhile they left you feeling empty.

 

Now you want more.

 

Because you understand now that in order to form a relationship with someone you have to date them first.  Get to know the girl before you have sex with her.

 

Because sex changes everything. You see their flaws faster.

 

So you are debating dating me again.

Because you want what you had with me.

But not sure if you want it with me if you can find it with someone else.

 

You’ve been tossing the idea around for a few weeks.  You are still undecided.

 

You say to me….  “You are a great person.  And after five minutes together it would be like old times.  Because we really got along well.  And not everybody is perfect.  I’m learning there is always something about someone that you don’t like”

 

And when you were done being open and honest,

more than you have ever been,

which threw me for a loop,

I said nothing.

 

I mean really, what was there to say?

 

You weren’t saying anything worth responding to.

 

You weren’t telling me you realized you had made a mistake and wanted me back.

You weren’t making me an offer.

You weren’t even considering my feelings at all.

 

Once again, this was all about you.

 

So I told you… stop debating.

Because nothing you said is even worth a debate.